"Throw it away, forget yesterday. We'll make the great escape." -The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls
Hello, hello everyone!
Now, this topic is something I've been meaning to discuss because it's affected my for the past few years. It's something that my family doesn't understand because they're all sociable.
Literally my whole family and I'm including relatives. All of them are outgoing and shit. I'm like the only one who doesn't talk. Do you understand how small I feel every time I go to a social gathering?
I don't know if I do have this, I'm not diagnosed with this anxiety type but I sure as heck feel like it.
I personally have to take a really long time off socialising after a long day of it. It's mentally tiring for me to constantly be around people at least more than a few hours a day.
I hate when I'm forced to interact with people. I'm not even exaggerating how much I detest being pushed into a crowd. I wish someone whom I know understands this.
Maybe I'm just shy. Maybe.
I get so scared around large groups of people like my confidence level would just be a big zero. I feel like I just wanna run away.
I feel like I can't really explain this as much without giving a personal experience. This one's horrible.
Last Saturday, I had to help my mom out with her food booth at this event where there was a talk. I'm talking about like around 2,000 people came. Or maybe more, I don't know.
I was supposed to be the cashier because my mom knows I have a problem interacting with people. Okay so, all was well until night came and like my mom kinda forced my sisters and my cousin to go into the crowd and sell the food because our booth was kinda not easily seen. Hence, it was more effective if we went to the audience and sold our food that way.
Now, I wasn't supposed to do that 'cause I was cashier.
My mom had to push me and force me to do it with my sisters and cousin. Obviously, they had no problem with that. On the other hand, I felt like breaking down. I just felt so scared like I wanted to just escape there in that instant. It felt like everyone was looking at me and taunting me. I never felt so small. Then I remembered why I was here; to help my mom so I just went, feeling like the worst person in that room. I mean, at least I had my sisters and cousin, right?
When I came back, they had to go another round but I stayed behind. I persisted. Then my grandma (yeah, she was there as well) told my mom and I, she said, "That girl is good, your cousin. She's not even supposed to help but she did and she's not even afraid. Why are you even so shy?"
My heart dropped. I love my grandma, I do. But I feel like I've failed as a person. I'm sorry not everyone can be so comfortable doing such things. For me, even trying to go into that massive crowd is a big deal. I feel like I have to wear whatever she said on a big shirt. Like watch out, I may be your next disappointment. It has been bugging me, I just need to let it out.
I hope someone understands because no matter how hard I try to explain to someone who makes fun of me or insult me based on my social anxiety, they still don't comprehend it.
I promise I will not cry.
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