Tuesday 3 February 2015

In English Class

"You say things that I don't, you make me feel alone." -Over And Over by 5 Seconds Of Summer

Hello. Beautiful. Members. Of. Society.

I'm in English Class. 1 Hour. I realise I haven't been writing for a long time. And also that most of my posts are depressing. Just look at me recent post for example.

I don't know anything anymore.

We're learning about expository essays and my mind is somewhere else.

I don't know how to help a friend going through rough times. 

I don't know what makes me feel better.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't know what's my favourite colour.

I don't know if I can draw or sing or do anything.

I don't know how to do Math or Mother Tongue or Science.

I don't know if someone will ever admire me as much as I admire them.

I don't know.

Nice.

My teacher returned our test back and I really don't want to look at it.

Bye.

-live, laugh and love

Friday 28 November 2014

What It's Like To Have Social Anxiety

"Throw it away, forget yesterday. We'll make the great escape." -The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls


Hello, hello everyone!

Now, this topic is something I've been meaning to discuss because it's affected my for the past few years. It's something that my family doesn't understand because they're all sociable.

Literally my whole family and I'm including relatives. All of them are outgoing and shit. I'm like the only one who doesn't talk. Do you understand how small I feel every time I go to a social gathering?

I don't know if I do have this, I'm not diagnosed with this anxiety type but I sure as heck feel like it.






I personally have to take a really long time off socialising after a long day of it. It's mentally tiring for me to constantly be around people at least more than a few hours a day.

I hate when I'm forced to interact with people. I'm not even exaggerating how much I detest being pushed into a crowd. I wish someone whom I know understands this. 

Maybe I'm just shy. Maybe.

I get so scared around large groups of people like my confidence level would just be a big zero. I feel like I just wanna run away. 

I feel like I can't really explain this as much without giving a personal experience. This one's horrible.

Last Saturday, I had to help my mom out with her food booth at this event where there was a talk. I'm talking about like around 2,000 people came. Or maybe more, I don't know.

I was supposed to be the cashier because my mom knows I have a problem interacting with people. Okay so, all was well until night came and like my mom kinda forced my sisters and my cousin to go into the crowd and sell the food because our booth was kinda not easily seen. Hence, it was more effective if we went to the audience and sold our food that way.

Now, I wasn't supposed to do that 'cause I was cashier.

My mom had to push me and force me to do it with my sisters and cousin. Obviously, they had no problem with that. On the other hand, I felt like breaking down. I just felt so scared like I wanted to just escape there in that instant. It felt like everyone was looking at me and taunting me. I never felt so small. Then I remembered why I was here; to help my mom so I just went, feeling like the worst person in that room. I mean, at least I had my sisters and cousin, right?

When I came back, they had to go another round but I stayed behind. I persisted. Then my grandma (yeah, she was there as well) told my mom and I, she said, "That girl is good, your cousin. She's not even supposed to help but she did and she's not even afraid. Why are you even so shy?"

My heart dropped. I love my grandma, I do. But I feel like I've failed as a person. I'm sorry not everyone can be so comfortable doing such things. For me, even trying to go into that massive crowd is a big deal. I feel like I have to wear whatever she said on a big shirt. Like watch out, I may be your next disappointment. It has been bugging me, I just need to let it out.

I hope someone understands because no matter how hard I try to explain to someone who makes fun of me or insult me based on my social anxiety, they still don't comprehend it.

I promise I will not cry.


Hello guys, hope you get this post and so share it, comment and follow me on my social media links below! Byeeeeee.




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-live, laugh and love

Wednesday 26 November 2014

I'm Finally Happy

"We're never done with killing time. Can I kill it with you?" -400 Lux by Lorde


Hello everyone!


I'm feeling extra happy today. I hope you are too.

So I had my second and last appointment with my psychologist today. I'm just so glad I don't have to return. Not that I'm scared or denying the fact that I have problems. To be honest, I'm just kinda lazy actually. Hahah. What do you expect?

No, actually, I'm trying to get better and I guess I don't need my psychologist after these 2 sessions. Yay.

Also, I'm writing this blog post in an English accent in my head 'cause I just finished watching Begin Again and Keira Knightley is English so yeaaaa. It's such a beautiful film, I think everyone should watch it. Anyone who loves amazing music and urgh..I will stop before I fangirl about this. Seriously, the music in the film is incredible, I wanna get the soundtrack and Keira Knightley is actually pretty good at singing. She wins in this one.

So yeah, I'm very happy. I baked a cake when I got home from the psychologist. 

I listened to a bunch of great music.

I watched a bunch of Criminal Minds.

My sister gave me her flannel. (I never owned a flannel before so yeaaaa)

Also, do you guys like 400 Lux? The song which I quoted the lyrics from? I thought I'd share this one with you guys because I've saved her album in my Spotify along with other amazing albums from artistes like Arctic Monkeys and Lorde. Their music is really good. Give it a listen.

I quoted 400 Lux because that line actually caught my attention. It's so interesting. I've never heard anyone put words together like that and I just love that line a lot.

On the topic of music, I just wanna say that music saved me. It did. I'm not even joking. Like those nights where I just get lost in my thoughts, I listen to music to calm my anxiety. I listen to music because it gives me the feeling of freedom even if it's only for a while. I just really love music. I love music. I appreciate music. I don't know where or how I'd be without music. I won't know what I'd be doing. Wow. I hope that maybe one day, the poems and songs I wrote could be music. Hahah.. Music makes me happy. :)

I hope you don't mind; this time I added a few more songs to the playlist. ;)

Hi guys, hope you like this post. Share it with your mates and comment and follow my social media links below. Love you. Byeeeeeeeee!



-live, laugh and love