Haz.: March 2013

"Everywhere I go, I see my name in bright lights. If I keep it up, I know that I can fly." -Bright Lights (Fly) by Alex Goot

What's up guys? How're you doing?

I just wanna take an hour or so to stress on this topic, okay? So just let me.

This is something that I've been going through for the past few months. You know, starting in a new school, new environment.

Starting in a new school is hard for me, with the new people, new subjects, new place. The hardest thing was making friends.

I realise that I struggle with human interaction. And, it made a big impact on me.

Not trying to self-praise but I'm just saying this to bring me to my next point. Back in my senior year at primary school, my last year, I was sort of a popular kid. I had a group of friends who I've known half my life, who I'm really, really close to.

But then, when I got to this school, none of from my clique was in the same school. I had nobody. I was lost.

We then had class interaction. Let's just say, I went home crying.

Everyone was in their own little cliques already, and me? I was single.

I did try making friends though. I have like a little group and I don't even know if I belong though. I was always the third party.

There are three reputations in every class. we have the quiet ones, the normal ones and then we have the noisy ones.

Under quiet, we have the quiet, lonely, nerdy, studious, unnoticeable ones

Under normal, of course we have the mediocre people.

Under noisy, we have the popular, the noisy, the rowdy, the life-of-the-party type of people.

And if you're asking where I stand?

I could be considered quiet and also I happen to be kinda close to the popular people (or so I think).

But even all that, I really am alone. No one understands me. At times I just feel like breaking down and hide from the world but then I know that's not how life works.

I'm just waiting for something to happen.

Which brings me to the main topic.

The first thing I did was try to fit in with the noisy ones. Terrible idea.

They aren't my type of people. Just not me. I just put on a fake smile. And go on. It's hard not to be myself. It really is.

So I stray away and follow the normal ones. I still didn't get to be myself. I was accepted yes, but I didn't get to be myself.

Gosh, this is harder to explain than I expected.

I just couldn't be the girl that I am with my primary school friends.

But what I'm trying to say is, don't try to fit in. Because, you'll find that you're not accepted. The worst part is that, you've gone through all the pain to not be yourself and yet, you're still not accepted.

Faking yourself, is almost as close to self deprivation, it kills you inside out.

Also, what's the point of being accepted but you can't be yourself?

Up to this day, I still haven't got a friend like ones from my old school. Everyday, I say, "Today is just a day I need to get by."

As much of a loner I am, I'm not a wallflower though.