What It's Like To Have Social Anxiety

"Throw it away, forget yesterday. We'll make the great escape." -The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls

Hello, hello everyone!

Now, this topic is something I've been meaning to discuss because it's affected my for the past few years. It's something that my family doesn't understand because they're all sociable.

Literally my whole family and I'm including relatives. All of them are outgoing and shit. I'm like the only one who doesn't talk. Do you understand how small I feel every time I go to a social gathering?

I don't know if I do have this, I'm not diagnosed with this anxiety type but I sure as heck feel like it.

I personally have to take a really long time off socialising after a long day of it. It's mentally tiring for me to constantly be around people at least more than a few hours a day.

I hate when I'm forced to interact with people. I'm not even exaggerating how much I detest being pushed into a crowd. I wish someone whom I know understands this. 

Maybe I'm just shy. Maybe.

I get so scared around large groups of people like my confidence level would just be a big zero. I feel like I just wanna run away. 

I feel like I can't really explain this as much without giving a personal experience. This one's horrible.

Last Saturday, I had to help my mom out with her food booth at this event where there was a talk. I'm talking about like around 2,000 people came. Or maybe more, I don't know.

I was supposed to be the cashier because my mom knows I have a problem interacting with people. Okay so, all was well until night came and like my mom kinda forced my sisters and my cousin to go into the crowd and sell the food because our booth was kinda not easily seen. Hence, it was more effective if we went to the audience and sold our food that way.

Now, I wasn't supposed to do that 'cause I was cashier.

My mom had to push me and force me to do it with my sisters and cousin. Obviously, they had no problem with that. On the other hand, I felt like breaking down. I just felt so scared like I wanted to just escape there in that instant. It felt like everyone was looking at me and taunting me. I never felt so small. Then I remembered why I was here; to help my mom so I just went, feeling like the worst person in that room. I mean, at least I had my sisters and cousin, right?

When I came back, they had to go another round but I stayed behind. I persisted. Then my grandma (yeah, she was there as well) told my mom and I, she said, "That girl is good, your cousin. She's not even supposed to help but she did and she's not even afraid. Why are you even so shy?"

My heart dropped. I love my grandma, I do. But I feel like I've failed as a person. I'm sorry not everyone can be so comfortable doing such things. For me, even trying to go into that massive crowd is a big deal. I feel like I have to wear whatever she said on a big shirt. Like watch out, I may be your next disappointment. It has been bugging me, I just need to let it out.

I hope someone understands because no matter how hard I try to explain to someone who makes fun of me or insult me based on my social anxiety, they still don't comprehend it.

I promise I will not cry.


Hello guys, hope you get this post and so share it, comment and follow me on my social media links below! Byeeeeee.

Links:

Twitter: twitter.com/nurhazirin

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-live, laugh and love

I'm Finally Happy

"We're never done with killing time. Can I kill it with you?" -400 Lux by Lorde

Hello everyone!

I'm feeling extra happy today. I hope you are too.

So I had my second and last appointment with my psychologist today. I'm just so glad I don't have to return. Not that I'm scared or denying the fact that I have problems. To be honest, I'm just kinda lazy actually. Hahah. What do you expect?

No, actually, I'm trying to get better and I guess I don't need my psychologist after these 2 sessions. Yay.

Also, I'm writing this blog post in an English accent in my head 'cause I just finished watching Begin Again and Keira Knightley is English so yeaaaa. It's such a beautiful film, I think everyone should watch it. Anyone who loves amazing music and urgh..I will stop before I fangirl about this. Seriously, the music in the film is incredible, I wanna get the soundtrack and Keira Knightley is actually pretty good at singing. She wins in this one.

So yeah, I'm very happy. I baked a cake when I got home from the psychologist. 

I listened to a bunch of great music.

I watched a bunch of Criminal Minds.

My sister gave me her flannel. (I never owned a flannel before so yeaaaa)

Also, do you guys like 400 Lux? The song which I quoted the lyrics from? I thought I'd share this one with you guys because I've saved her album in my Spotify along with other amazing albums from artistes like Arctic Monkeys and Lorde. Their music is really good. Give it a listen.

I quoted 400 Lux because that line actually caught my attention. It's so interesting. I've never heard anyone put words together like that and I just love that line a lot.

On the topic of music, I just wanna say that music saved me. It did. I'm not even joking. Like those nights where I just get lost in my thoughts, I listen to music to calm my anxiety. I listen to music because it gives me the feeling of freedom even if it's only for a while. I just really love music. I love music. I appreciate music. I don't know where or how I'd be without music. I won't know what I'd be doing. Wow. I hope that maybe one day, the poems and songs I wrote could be music. Hahah.. Music makes me happy. :)

I hope you don't mind; this time I added a few more songs to the playlist. ;)

Hi guys, hope you like this post. Share it with your mates and comment and follow my social media links below. Love you. Byeeeeeeeee!

Links:

Twitter: twitter.com/nurhazirin

Tumblr: hazthefuz.tumblr.com/

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-live, laugh and love

YouTube Channel?

"Hello there, the angel from my nightmare." -I Miss You by Blink-182

I don't have to say hello again, do I? My quote did it for me.

I love I Miss You a lot. My friends and I would always sing it back in primary 6 like after PSLE ended and when we had a lot of free period. Then after we graduated, we would always say hi like that quote. Thus, when I found out that 5SOS did a cover of it, I was pretty ecstatic.

I miss putting gifs in my posts. Here's one more. There will be more gifs later on in the post anyways, might as well...

Okay, one more?

This gif makes smile so big; it's so cute.

BACK TO THE MAIN POINT. Haz, stop getting distracted.

What do you guys think if I made a YouTube channel? I mean I do have one currently and it's absolute rubbish. I only have a couple of stupid videos on there and I use that account to watch my favourite youtubers. I'm talking about like a proper YouTube channel. Like being one of my faves.

I have a lot of "faves", okay? I just watch Youtube/Youtubers a lot. This photo basically gives me life.





I already have an idea for an intro video. I don't think it'll (channel) be big though. In Singapore, it's kinda hard to be noticed. I hope I get to be a lucky one. I know my friend is making one, she created hers and she put a lot of effort into it and I know she could get the recognition she deserves.

Technically, my blog is like my little YouTube channel. I share with you guys everything. Well, I hope not everything. I mean, I leave my social media links below every post and I have my own intro to every post. A YouTube channel would just be a video version of this.

I need the support though. I don't know. There's a lot of things that comes with this. What's your opinion?



B-T-W, I'm like really obsessed with criminal minds. Can I just share you a gif of Spencer Reid?





















Or 10.. *slips in 1 more gif*



*ahem ahem*

I hope I can get your support. Leave your opinions below and this is the end! Byeeeeeeeeee. (Gee there's a lot of gifs in this post, ay?)

Links:

Twitter: twitter.com/nurhazirin

Tumblr: hazthefuz.tumblr.com/

Instagram: instagram.com/nurhazirin

Friend's YouTube Channel: Justfailah



(sorry, i couldnt resist)

-live, laugh and love

If You Feel Like Shit, Clap Your Hands

"She sleeps alone, my heart wants to come home." -Beside You by 5 Seconds Of Summer

"So we're taking the long way home, 'cause I don't wanna be wasting my time alone." -Long Way Home By 5 Seconds of Summer

Hello my fellow members of society.

Wowzers, double quoting? I had to. I wanted to share these two songs and I just got inspired by them. Also, doesn't Long Way Home sound a bit like Good Life by OneRepublic? I like that.

Plus, I only had like 1 and a half hours of sleep last night and I don't think I can go back to sleep. Yay me.

I feel like shit. I'm not even gonna lie anymore. I thought I could blink back the tears or refrain from tweeting shit but I gave in to temptations.

I don't understand why people give me so much shit for liking a band. I'm sorry for showing my love for a band. I literally just talked about this a few days ago in a blog post.

I don't understand how some people think it's okay to make fun of someones sleeping disorder and then the next minute you go about as if you've done nothing wrong. That's not how things work.

Yea, at some point, I did not care but you know sometimes it's just too much. I'm just so sick and tired of getting shit thrown at me, you know. It's making me mentally unstable. I'm starting to think that I should have gotten the meds that my psychologist told me about. Sure, it wasn't recommended but if it could help me get through shit better, why not?

I'm sorry that I'm depressed, or have anxiety or insomnia. I can't help that I sleep at 3 or 4 am in the morning because I have a sleeping disorder. I'm sorry that I can't control my thoughts, thoughts that I can't escape.

There's a reason I'm always listening to music 90% of the time and when I do, I shut my world around me. I can't be alone and quiet for a long time cause it wouldn't be long before thoughts start flooding my mind. I need something that could keep me from thinking, even for a while.

I wish I didn't have thoughts about hurting myself with whatever I have in my hand but I promise I would never physically hurt myself. These wristbands and this necklace don't help at all.

I hate being so helpless and being the petty teenage child that no one can help.

I'm not trying to draw attention here. I just wish people would just stop giving me shit. I have enough to handle for myself without people giving me other things to worry about. Please stop before I can't go back.

I wanna get better you know. I'm trying but it's hard to push these thoughts away. 10 more days. I want to get better.

Sorry.

Self-expression

"We'll never be as young as we are now." -Never Be by 5 Seconds Of Summer

Hello gorgeous people.

Warning: serious subject ahead!

I've been wanting to discuss this topic for quite sometime now. I saw videos, got inspiration from real-life situations and I think it's time. Also, I tend to think a lot and we can't just keep everything to ourselves, right?

Lately, I've been liking the band which I quoted the lyrics from. I'm sure you've heard of them. Because I'm a new fan and I am a fangirl, I don't just listen to a band. I dedicate my life to them. Even more so why I felt like I couldn't do certain things or I'm restraint to feel a certain way about these 4 boys in the band. Moreover, it wasn't just a feeling, I was told that I couldn't do certain things or whatever just because I'm new.

Of course, it's easy to compare a long-time fan and someone like me because you can clearly see who's more informed of a certain fact about the band. Or the passion and love they give towards this band. If you are new to this fandom thing, let me just tell you, if you are new, it's hard because everyone is just so into the subject so hard and for so long that when there are new fans, they become very protective of that subject and it's hard for you to be accepted. I admit I am like that before about one direction but now I know how it feels.

Well, let me just tell you, just because I'm new doesn't mean I can't be able to love them any less than you do. I was offended really when I was told that I couldn't love them a certain much just because I'm new. This is where self-expression comes in. I am allowed to like or love something or someone as much as I would like to. Who are you to tell me what I can or cannot do?

This is not applicable to just about being in a fandom or a fan-based thing, it could also be suitable in a daily basis. The way I dress or the music I listen to or the way I work out or what I eat and drink or what I do. A person may say that this style of fashion is their style and they wear something different one day and you judge them? No, because they do as they please. They dress that way because that's what they wanna wear that day. Let people do what they want to because just like you and me, they do this to express themselves.

Let them, because being yourself shouldn't be as hard as how society makes of it. You should be able to listen and like music to your own extent. You should be able to dress however you want. You should be able to do something and love it and enjoy it. Why? This is your way of expressing your inner self. Self-expression.

Also, don't tell me that just because I'm only 14 that I don't know what I'm talking about. Self-expression is defined as 

The way you dress, that's art. The music you listen to, that's art. Anything can be art, really, if you think about it.

In conclusion, just like the quote, we'll never be as young as we are now so do what you enjoy and rock it.

Hey guys, I hope this post has given you guys some food for thought. Follow me on my social media links below and goodbyeeeeee!

Links:

Twitter: twitter.com/nurhazirin

Tumblr: hazthefuz.tumblr.com/

Instagram: instagram.com/nurhazirin

Ask.fm: ask.fm/lelegohouse

-live, laugh and love

Anxiety, You Bitch

"They're living the good life, can't see what he is going through."- Cool Kids by Echosmith

What's up beautiful people

End-of-years are arriving and I'm stuck as fuck.

I'm stressed. I don't get shit in school. I feel like I'm left behind all the time and I feel so small in this smart-ass school and my anxiety is on another level of crazy. 

Why do people think that mental disorders aren't real? I wish I had the explanation for how real they are. Because just like diseases like cancer, the pain is there even though sometimes you can't see it. It hurts in my mind and my chest.

I did a test online. I know you can't trust the Internet that much and there's a probability that I'm not real but I took the test(s). I was just in a really really bad state of mind and I did a total of 4 tests. I needed to make sure before I know how fucked up I really am.

1st test: 87% Existential Anxiety

2nd test: Unhealthy level of Anxiety

3rd test: Moderate Anxiety - symptoms that might typically qualify for diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

4th test: 84% -Anxiety Disorder

It's not diagnosis but they all say that I need to consult a doctor.

How do you tell someone that you need help without actually sounding like you really want to have a disorder?

How do you tell someone you need help without making them think that it's all in your head?

How do you tell someone that it hurts?

How?

They say to ignore it and maybe if you forget about it, it won't be there; gone.

But how can you ignore if it keeps appearing at the random of times and you can't control it like now? In this instance that I'm typing?

It was so hard to keep a strong face. To smile when I really don't like what I'm feeling inside.

If I ever do cry, I'll just be like "You only get one fucking tear and that's it. No more than that." To protect myself and the people around me. But, it doesn't work, every time.

I really try to look on the positive side but the negative thoughts just clouds my mind and I can't help but take that in.

How do you escape from all this?

It hurts so much and I can't do anything about it or talk about it. All I can do is type out my inexpressive thoughts on a blog that no one reads.

I feel like sometimes I'm just slowing fading from my true self. Like if this is me, then I don't want to be me.

-live, laugh and love

How To Know If You're A Depressed Little Shit

Ever wondered if you are a depressed little shit, failure in life and just plain sad? Well, don't worry cause I'm gonna teach you how to know if you are one.

1. You go from being extremely happy to extremely sad in 12 seconds.

2. You go on tumblr and see nice posts but don't reblog them.

3. You go on twitter and nothing amuses you.

4. You go on instagram and you don't double tap shit.

5. You don't reply to your messages.

6. You're saving your energy for nothing.

7. You laugh, only internally.

8. You isolate your friends.

9. You're a ticking time bomb; every thing annoys the fuck out of you and you don't know why.

10. You think that every thing you do is wrong.

11. You just have no mood for anything.

12. You try to get physical pain.

13. You're hurting inside but don't say it cause you think that it may upset others.

That's 13 steps to know if you are sad. #nogoalsinlife #wingingit

-live, laugh and love