Haz.: September 2014

"They're living the good life, can't see what he is going through."- Cool Kids by Echosmith

What's up beautiful people

End-of-years are arriving and I'm stuck as fuck.

I'm stressed. I don't get shit in school. I feel like I'm left behind all the time and I feel so small in this smart-ass school and my anxiety is on another level of crazy.

Why do people think that mental disorders aren't real? I wish I had the explanation for how real they are. Because just like diseases like cancer, the pain is there even though sometimes you can't see it. It hurts in my mind and my chest.

I did a test online. I know you can't trust the Internet that much and there's a probability that I'm not real but I took the test(s). I was just in a really really bad state of mind and I did a total of 4 tests. I needed to make sure before I know how fucked up I really am.

1st test: 87% Existential Anxiety

2nd test: Unhealthy level of Anxiety

3rd test: Moderate Anxiety - symptoms that might typically qualify for diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

4th test: 84% -Anxiety Disorder

It's not diagnosis but they all say that I need to consult a doctor.

How do you tell someone that you need help without actually sounding like you really want to have a disorder?

How do you tell someone you need help without making them think that it's all in your head?

How do you tell someone that it hurts?

How?

They say to ignore it and maybe if you forget about it, it won't be there; gone.

But how can you ignore if it keeps appearing at the random of times and you can't control it like now? In this instance that I'm typing?

It was so hard to keep a strong face. To smile when I really don't like what I'm feeling inside.

If I ever do cry, I'll just be like "You only get one fucking tear and that's it. No more than that." To protect myself and the people around me. But, it doesn't work, every time.

I really try to look on the positive side but the negative thoughts just clouds my mind and I can't help but take that in.

How do you escape from all this?

It hurts so much and I can't do anything about it or talk about it. All I can do is type out my inexpressive thoughts on a blog that no one reads.

I feel like sometimes I'm just slowing fading from my true self. Like if this is me, then I don't want to be me.